Ugly Facebook Fights and Handwritten Letters

Suggested Reading: Ezekiel 3:17-21

A while ago, I witnessed a very ugly Facebook attack between two people I know. One person was in the process of making a decision she would regret for the rest of her life. The other was a family member who, seeing that this person was repeating the mistakes her own parent had made, tried to warn her about that choice in a private text message. The warning was as polite and thoughtful as it can be when you have to tell someone they are being selfish and doing something they will regret for the rest of their life but this woman didn't take it well.  Instead, she posted a screen capture of the text message on Facebook and attempted to berate this loving family member for being "ugly" and "mean" and "judgmental." Another person (who was also making bad life-choices at least partially in response to her own parent's mistakes) jumped in, berating the family member who had sent the text, stating that loving and helping someone means that you "support them no matter what," by which she really meant that you condone and support any action the person you love takes, regardless of how irresponsible, sinful, or selfish that action may be. Together, these two tried to attack this family member who had tried to privately warn someone she loved about a terrible decision she was making.

The attack made me angry, in part, because this woman who didn't want to face the selfish nature of her actions chose to attack someone who acted in love and, in part, because they were pushing the lie that loving and supporting someone means never telling them when they are making bad decisions or doing something wrong. Proverbs 13:24 tells us, Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them (NLT). While this verse specifically talks about parent-child relationships, it echoes a sentiment that is found throughout all of scripture: loving someone means calling them on their sin so that they don't cause themselves harm. A loving response is not one that says, "I support you in your sinful act" but one that says, "I love you, but what you are doing is wrong and you're going to hurt yourself and others if you continue." A loving response says, "I love you too much to put your opinion of me before your welfare" and "I will always tell you the truth in love, even if you hate me for it." What is more, Ezekiel 3 seems to indicate that we ourselves will be held responsible when we fail to warn those whose sin is about to destroy them.

At another end of the spectrum, when my wife and I decided to start trying to get pregnant, my best friend wrote me a long-handwritten letter telling me that he thought I was making a mistake and detailing a list of his reasons. Instead of getting angry, I called him and we talked about it. I explained our reasons for trying to have kids, several of which he was unaware of, and he accepted my decision. I don't know if he ever agreed with me, but he realized he hadn't seen the whole situation. I could have gotten angry and called him judgmental and told him to butt out. As far as I was concerned, he was wrong. But he was my best friend, in large part, because when he thought I was doing something stupid he was willing to call me on it. Even when he was wrong, he cared about me enough to lovingly tell me the truth, and I knew he cared about me, so I was willing to listen.

Loving and supporting someone doesn't necessarily mean you keep your mouth shut when they are doing something stupid and the fact that someone tells you you're being selfish doesn't mean they are judgmental. Sometimes we are being selfish and only the people who truly love us will call us out for it. Only fools get angry with someone for being honest, even if they are honestly wrong. And only uncaring people keep their mouths shut when they see someone about to hurt themselves.

You're Not the Boss of Me!

Suggested Reading: James 4:7-12

One of the struggles parents can face is teaching their children about the different roles that must be played in life. Children understand this concept of differing roles instinctively but do not always know where the boundaries for those roles lay or when they should play those roles. So they sometimes do things that they shouldn't be doing in their role as children. This fuzzy understanding is where the phrase "you're not the boss of me!" comes from. Children understand the role of the boss in theory, but one of the children has either decided to be the boss or is doing things that should be reserved for a person in authority, like setting down rules or issuing commands. Variations include, "You're not my father!" and "Who made you king?" These phrases are all indications of either a disagreement about the boundaries of a role or whether someone should actually be playing that role.

James points out one area where Christians tend to get in trouble for playing a role that doesn't belong to us. James writes, Don't criticize one another, brothers. He who criticizes or judges his brother criticizes the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is one lawgiver and judge who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11-12, HCSB). James points out that judging someone - or even criticizing them - is to take on a role that doesn't belong to us: Lawgiver and Judge, a role that belongs only to God. In the following chapter, however, James encourages his readers to turn back those who have strayed. How can we do this without judging or criticizing? We make sure we are playing the proper role.

There is only one Lawgiver and Judge. We are not to play either of those roles. We can, however, play the role of fellow children, trying to keep each other out of trouble.  We can go to people, not in judgment, but because we love them and don't want them to get hurt. Those two approaches are very different. One places you in a position of authority over the other person, and is likely to make them respond, "You're not the boss of me!" The other places you in a position alongside the other, where no one is making demands and where they have the option of listening to you or not. One position comes from a misplaced feeling of self-importance and the other flows out of loving concern for a fellow child of the Father.  We have no place playing lawgiver or judge, criticizing people and pointing out faults. We can, however, love people enough to try to help them stay out of trouble.

Who have you criticized lately? How can you play the role of a fellow child rather than judge and lawgiver?

Criticizing the Iron Eagle

Suggested Reading: Proverbs 13:10-18

One of the classic movies that the 1980's produced was Iron Eagle, the story of Doug Masters, a teenage boy and hot-shot pilot, whose Air Force father is shot down and taken captive by a hostile country. Eventually, this boy takes it upon himself to rescue his dad by flying a state of the art jet-fighter into the heart of enemy territory with only his teenage friends and an aging flight instructor named Pappy (played by Louis Gossett Jr) as ground support. At one point, Doug is flying in a simulator and getting into trouble. Pappy's voice comes over the speaker giving him constructive criticism in order to keep his plane in the air.  The teenager refuses, claiming he has it under control, and ends up crashing his simulated jet into the ground. As Doug learns to take Pappy's criticism, however, he becomes the kind of pilot that can fly single-handedly into enemy territory and retrieve his father from hostile forces. As least in Movie Land.

At the beginning of the movie, Doug takes any criticism as an insult to his ability and he pays the price for it. But when Doug realizes that Pappy has both the wisdom and the experience to help him rescue his dad, Doug begins to listen and it pays off. In some ways, the theme of the movie can be summed up in Proverbs 13:18, "If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored." (NLT).  At times, we can find it very difficult to receive criticism from other people, especially if we take it as a personal insult or react emotionally to it. Criticism, though, even if intended as an insult, is a unique opportunity to improve ourselves. Criticism provides us the advantage of an outside observer who can see our flaws and the areas where we have the most room to be better. This is true even if the criticism is presented as an insult.

Even unjust criticism affords us the unique opportunity to be stronger and better than we were before. Criticism offers us the choice to be hurt and angry, to practice discernment in evaluating the criticism, or to be proactive and improve. And, like the author of this proverb claims, discerning consideration of criticism can help us to achieve a place of honor among our peers and in our community. No one gets to be the best at what they do without learning to use criticism to grow.