Sneak Attacks and Assumptions

Suggested Reading: Genesis 50:7-21

When my son was younger he had a game he played sometimes where he liked to sneak up behind me and attack me. Sometimes he had a play sword. Sometimes he tried to jump on my back. Sometimes he liked to try a hit-and-run where he popped my rear end and then ran off. When he started this game, he was in a playful mood and tended to believe everyone else was as well. Sometimes I was and I turned around and played back. At other times, he caught me in the middle of something or when playing wasn’t an option and so I either made a subdued response or laughed and told him that we would play when I was finished. Regardless of my verbal response, my son almost always came at me again, thinking my response was just the way I was playing the game. Because he was in a playful mood, he expected me to be, too, whether I really was or not. So, even when I specifically told him I couldn’t play right that second, he thought I was playing along because that's where his own mind was.

At another end of the spectrum, Joseph experienced the same kind of mindset from his own brothers in Genesis chapter 50. Several chapters and years before, Joseph had reconciled himself to his brothers. He had revealed himself as the Prime Minister of Egypt, telling them that he held nothing against them for selling him into slavery as a child, reminding them that God had used that experience to provide for hundreds of thousands of people during a time of intense famine. As far as he was concerned, God had set the whole thing up, so he forgave them. He then took in their families and their flocks, providing for all of them, and reassuring them of his good intentions toward them. But when Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrong we did to him?” (Genesis 50:15, NIV). Because they still hadn't come to terms with the way they had treated Joseph as a boy, they assumed Joseph would still hold their abuse against them, even though he had gone out of his way to reassure them and demonstrate that he had forgiven them.

Quite often, we make assumptions about how people will respond to us because we know how we would respond. But those kinds of assumptions typically just get us into trouble. No two people are exactly alike, and no two people have the same thought processes, no matter how similar they may be. How can we possibly know for sure how people are going to respond to particular situations or conversations? The fact that we tend to dwell on a particular event doesn’t mean other people do too. And the fact that we have let go of the past doesn’t mean everyone else has let go as well.

Before we make assumptions about what other people are going to do or think, let’s give them a chance to respond. What scares you to death may not bother anyone else, and other people may have not yet worked through what we resolved long ago. Give people a chance to respond. Don’t assume you know how they will react. 

The One Ring of Unforgiveness

Suggested Reading: Proverbs 17:1-10

Throughout the epic Lord of the Rings, the One Ring holds onto its owner as much as its owner holds onto it. The One Ring grabs hold of its owner and possesses their thoughts. It alters their personality and they begin to act in ways once foreign to them. Miraculously, Frodo managed to carry the ring all the way to Mount Doom where he had planned to throw it into the volcanic pit so that the Ring and its dangerous power could be destroyed. But when the time came to throw it into the pit, Frodo couldn't do it. He wanted to hold onto it. Presumably Frodo could have done a lot of good with the power at the Ring's disposal. And I think in the movie he tried to convince himself of that. But he never really wanted to hold onto the ring for the good it could do. He wanted to hold onto the ring because it was holding onto him.

Sadly, we often treat grudges just like the One Ring. Someone hurts us but then we never let go of it. We carry it around with us like a dead weight. Bitterness grows inside us and it changes our personality. And then we pretend to forgive but we hold onto it because "we need to deal with it" when, really, that's just a good way to hang on a little bit longer. Proverbs 17:9 tells us, "Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends" (NLT). Sometimes, we "forgive" the people who have hurt us but we hold onto the issue because we "need to deal with it" or because we "need to be wise." But the truth is that we hold onto the hurt because the hurt has a hold on us. We dwell on it and then try to call it something admirable. And while we hold onto it, that hurt pushes us further and further away from the people around us.

Grudges and bitterness hold onto us as much as we hold onto them, and we cannot allow ourselves to be deluded about why we hold onto them. We will never be able to use unforgiveness to help ourselves anymore than Frodo could use the One Ring for good. Dwelling on hurts is only good for driving people apart.